Family
Perspectives
Providing
insights from family members of individuals with Asperger Syndrome
and related disorders about concerns, celebrations, experiences,
and successful strategies…
"Some Extremely Reasonable
Suggestions for 'Typical' Parents, Family, and Teachers
on Behalf of Kids With Asperger Syndrome"
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PLEASE don't try to make us "normal."
We'd much rather be functional. It's hard to be functional when
you have to spend all your time and energy focusing on making
eye contact and not tapping your feet.
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PLEASE don't overprotect, indulge, or cosset
us. We already have enough social problems without additionally
learning to be spoiled and self-indulgent.
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DON'T teach us social skills according to how
you wish the world was, or even how you think it is. Look carefully
at what is really going on and teach us real world rules.
-
DON'T talk, and/or act as if your life would
be perfect or soooo much easier if you had a "normal"
child. We don't thrive on knowing that we are the children you
didn't want.
-
DON'T make the mistake of thinking that teaching
us typical behaviors and successful masking means we are "cured."
Please remember that the more typical our behavior seems, the
harder we are working. What is natural, simple behavior to you
is a constant intense effort for us.
-
PLEASE don't punish us with rewards or reward
us with punishments. For those of us who find recess to be the
most stressful part of school, any action that will keep us
in from recess is one we will learn to repeat ad infinitum.
Getting rewarded for good behavior with fashionable but really
itchy clothing will train us to NOT behave too well!
-
If you assiduously train us to imitate and
conform to other children's behavior, don't be shocked if we
learn to curse, whine for popular toys, dress in ways you don't
like, and eventually drink, smoke and attempt to seek out sex
as teenagers. Those "nice kids" you think so highly
of do a lot of things you don't know about - or don't you remember
high school?
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Please DO give us information about autism/Asperger
Syndrome early on at a level we can digest. We need to know
what's going on - and we will figure out that something is "wrong"
with us whether you tell us or not.
-
DON'T avoid a diagnosis or help for us because
you are scared of us being labeled. Without that diagnosis and
appropriate support, our teachers, family, and fellow students
will give us plenty of labels - and we might just believe them
if we hear them often enough.
-
DON'T force us to do things we can't do. A forced
social situation won't teach us social skills any more than
dumping us in the middle of the Pacific Ocean will teach us
to swim.
-
DON'T punish us for what other kids do. The
fact that other kids tease and torture us for benign "autistic"
behaviors doesn't mean we need to change, it means they do.
Needing to bounce or swing for the whole recess is not morally
wrong; tormenting someone for having a neurological disability
is.
-
DON'T attempt to use humiliation or public embarrassment
to "teach us a lesson." We get way too much of that
from other people, and the only lesson learned is that we can't
trust you either.
-
DO punish us (or give us "consequences,"
heaven help us) when it is necessary to do so - but make the
connection between cause and effect very, very clear. We often
need visual aids to understand how our behavior can cause an
unwanted result for us!!!
-
DON'T cut us too much slack when our behavior
is potentially dangerous to us. For example, adolescent pre-stalking
behavior should result in serious consequences - because not
treating such behavior seriously when we are young can lead
to problems involving law enforcement when we're older!
-
DON'T trust untrained camp counselors, "typical
peers," or youth pastors to be able to deal with Asperger
Syndrome. Often their answers to our problems involve highly
destructive phrases like "try harder," "you could
do it if you really wanted to," and "snap out of it."
-
DON'T model one thing and teach another. If
you yell or hit when you're mad, we will too. If you rage at
us, don't be shocked at our "autistic rages." And
DON'T lecture us about our stims while you smoke, tap your foot,
pick at your manicure and down your third double-latte today.
-
DON'T require us to be wildly successful at
something because your ego has been wounded by having a "flawed"
child. We can't all be Temple Grandin. Remember, all honest
work is noble, even if you can't brag about us to your friends.
-
DO spend time with our siblings, even if you
need to arrange for respite care to do so. Schedule something
special for them without us along, even if it's just lunch at
a fast food joint once a week or so.
-
DO ask for help for yourself as needed. Take
advantage of respite care when you can. Get cognitive-behavioral
counseling and/or medication when you are depressed. Don't try
to do it all alone. Remember, it is much more important that
you get a nap and a nourishing meal than that we have a tidy
house.
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Most important, please, please, please DON'T
wait until we're "cured" or "recovered"
to love and accept us. You could miss our whole lives that way.
"THE
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